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by dustofwarfare



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Humor, M/M, Multi, and then themselves, and they're both aroused and amused, bad porn puns, crackish, do not take this too seriously, implied ot4 - Freeform, kind of??, lookalike porn, noctis and prompto watch porn, of guys who look like their mutual bfs, porn!parody, tumblr prompt ficlet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 18:42:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15443412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustofwarfare/pseuds/dustofwarfare
Summary: "So, look, the last thing I heard Marshal Leonis say was, this isn’t the first time we’ve had to submit a takedown notice for people making royal retainer lookalike porn. Lookalike porn of royal retainers that he doesn’t want Iggy to see…?” Prompto waits expectantly for Noctis to put it together.Noct’s eyes go wide. “Someone made lookalike porn of Iggy? He’d die if he knew that existed.” He grins, all slow and wicked, the one that always makes Prompto’s head feel fuzzy and his dick get hard. “Move over.”___Prompto discovers a porn parody video calledRoyal Advisor Nailed by Prince's Hot Shield, starring two guys who are supposed to be Ignis and Gladio, and gleefully shows it to Noctis. The description left out a few things, though -- namely, that it's a foursome.





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**Author's Note:**

> For a tumblr prompt given unto me by the lovely Marmolita, "Noctis and Prompto watching weird porn." 
> 
> ....this is vaguely crackish, not too serious, and (for me) short. I do not apologize for the terrible, terrible porn names. I REGRET NOTHING. 
> 
> (Slightly edited, cleaned up version of the ficlet I posted on Tumblr last week. I like to have everything in one place :D)

“Dude,” Prompto says, when Noct lets him into his apartment. “I gotta get online like, stat.” He barely takes a second to kiss Noctis hello before he’s making a beeline for the sofa, flinging himself and his messenger bag down on the cushions and pulling out his laptop.

“So, I was hanging around after Crownsguard training, right, and I heard the Marshal talking to Drautos about  _I’ll take care of it_ , and  _it’s not the first time we’ve seen something like this_ and  _we’d send it to Scientia, but given the subject matter…._ ” Prompto starts up his computer and opens a Moogle tab.

Noctis pads over barefoot to give him a suspicious look. “Is it a death threat or something?”

Prompto’s brow furrows and he gives a low snort of laughter. “What? No way, dude. If someone was threatening you, I wouldn’t be in a hurry to show you some porn. I'd be out there, kicking some ass.”

“Wait," Noctis says. “Back up. Why are you in a hurry to show me porn?” He smiles a little. “You could have the real thing, y’know. Actually, I kind of thought that was the plan.”

“No, it is, but…so, look, the last thing I heard Marshal Leonis say was,  _this isn’t the first time we’ve had to submit a takedown notice for people making royal retainer lookalike porn._  Lookalike porn of  _royal retainers_ that he doesn’t want Iggy to see…?” Prompto waits expectantly for Noctis to put it together.  

Noct’s eyes go wide. “Someone made lookalike porn of  _Iggy?_  He’d die if he knew that existed.” He grins, all slow and wicked, the one that always makes Prompto’s head feel fuzzy and his dick get hard. “Move over.”

“Now you see why I was in such a hurry to get here!” Prompto turns his attention back to his laptop, flipping it open and navigating to Moogle. “They’ll get it taken down pretty quick, so we gotta work fast. Wow. Porn of  _Iggy_. I wonder if he’s just, like, opening cans of Ebony in his driving gloves? That’d count.” 

“I don’t think the Marshal would pull it for that,” says Noctis. He flashes a grin at Prompto. “But you’re not wrong.”

Prompto performs some deft searching and rapid-fire clicking, then locates the video with a triumphant, “Ah-ha!” He starts cackling in delight. “Look!  _Royal Advisor_ _Nailed by Prince's Hot Shield_.”

Noctis leans forward . “Ha!  _Gladio_ ’s in it, too? I bet he wouldn’t even care. He’d probably think it was funny. You should download it.”

“Are you kidding? You need a premium account to do that, and what idiot actually pays for porn?” Prompto leans back and presses play.

It’s not a very good video. The production is amateurish – the camerawork makes Prompto wince a lot, especially as it’s clearly been made on a mobile device. The guy who is Iggy doesn’t look anything like the real Ignis, except for a vague attempt to mimic Ignis’s hairstyle and a pair of glasses.

There’s no Ebony and no leather driving gloves, but he’s wearing pants that sort of look like they might try to be leather at a later date.

“I think those pants are pleather,” Noct says, studying the screen. “Yeah, if Iggy knew about it, that’s the thing he’d be offended by. That and the idea his desk was ever that messy.”

“Hello, Suck-This,” says a low voice, and a guy walks in who is  _also_ wearing probably-pleather pants, no shirt, and some vague black scribbles that are supposed to be tattoos. “It is I. Shield Happy-ho.”

Porn!Ignis adjusts his cock instead of his glasses, and says seductively, “Shouldn’t you be with the Prince?” in a truly terrible accent, the kind Noctis uses when he’s making fun of how Ignis talks. “As a member of his Poundsguard, your place is with him.”

“Oh, my god,” Prompto breathes. “I changed my mind. I’m getting my credit card and downloading this. I don’t care if someone steals my identity.  _Worth it._ Happy-ho and Suck-This! Poundsguard!”

“My place,” says Porn!Gladio – Happy-Ho – in a throaty growl, “Is on my knees.” 

 “I mean,” Noctis says, licking his lips. “He does look good there, that’s true.” Noct’s smile makes Prompto’s dick harden, which seems impossible given they’re watching bad parody-porn of their other two boyfriends. “I bet he’d even look good in pleather.”

 “Then perhaps you should take your place,” says porn!Ignis, unbuttoning his faux-leather pants. He’s not wearing underwear, which is another thing Ignis  _definitely_ wouldn’t like – when it comes to himself, anyway.  _The chafing, gentleman. It’s unpleasant_.

Of course, Iggy’s got a thing for  _Gladio_  going commando in his jeans, but then again, don’t they all? 

“I tried to suck Iggy off at his desk once,” Prompto says, watching as porn!Gladio gets on his knees and porn!Ignis feeds him his cock. “I think he tried signing something while I was doing it. Like. More than one thing.”

Noct shifts a little closer, voice going low and husky. “After this? Tell me all about that.” He pauses. “The blowjob, not the paperwork. He answered his phone once while he was fucking me.”

“Did it make you mad?”

Noct thinks about it. “Nah. Made me come, though. So.” He shrugs. "Not sure what that's about." 

Prompto is distracted by the sight of on-screen Gladio, who is giving Ignis a  _very_ enthusiastic blowjob – which, they got that part right – suddenly struggling to keep hold of the very obvious wig that is supposed to be Gladio’s hair. It looks it came straight from a costume shop’s discount bin.

“They didn’t have much of a costume budget,” Prompto says, as he and Noct watch the actor try and push the wig back on his head. “I think porn!Gladio’s tattoos are made with a Sharpie.”

“Suck it harder, Shield Happy-Ho,” says porn!Ignis, his hips thrusting as he pushes in and out of porn!Gladio’s open mouth. “Prove you are worth the Imaslutforya family name.”

“Ha ha ha, oh, wow,” Prompto says, while Noctis almost falls off the couch from laughing. “Happy-Ho Imaslutforya! The next time I get him coffee, I’m having the barista put that name on the cup.”   

“I just,” Noctis wheezes, “Don’t think you should follow  _Imaslutforya_ with the word  _family_.”

“Yeah,” Prompto says, laughing. “That’s a whole different category!”

Porn!ignis is very into talking, but it’s the sort of standard porn dialogue and not very imaginative. “Suck it, yeah, suck it harder, deeper, choke on it, yeah, you like that?”

“Can you imagine if Iggy talked like that in bed?” asks Prompto. He’s got one hand on Noct’s cock, rubbing him idly through his pants – hey, this might be ridiculous porn about their mutual boyfriends, but it’s still  _porn_ , and the guys are hot even if they’re not quite as hot as the real thing.

“No way. When he tells you to  _suck it harder_ , he gives way more detailed instructions.” Noctis is slouched all lazy and hot next to him, sprawled limbs and tousled hair, face already flushed and hips pushing up into Prompto’s hand.

“Mm,” says Prompto, distracted for a minute by the thoughts of Ignis and his sex-lectures, which are definitely hot and way better than the ones he gives whenever he catches Prompto trying to cook. “Too bad that wig keeps coming off that poor guy. Gladio really does like having his hair pulled.”

“So do you,” Noctis says, and turns his head a little,and then they’re kissing while porn!Gladio sucks off porn!Ignis, and maybe the dialogue is cheesy but the sound of it is hot, sucking and kissing and moaning.

That is, until they hear a new voice call out, “What is going on, here? Happy-ho and Suck-This, what are you doing?” 

Noctis glances at the screen over Prompto’s shoulder. “Aaaaaugh! No! It didn’t have this in the description!” 

It takes Prompto’s lust-fogged brain a second to process what he’s seeing. When he does…he starts laughing. “ _Wow._  I think they used the same wig for you as they did for Gladio. They just kinda gave it a real bad scene haircut, and I bet they used that Sharpie to color it darker.”

Noctis claps a hand over his eyes. “This was a lot funnier when I wasn’t in it.”

On-screen, both porn!Ignis and porn!Gladio exclaim, “It’s not what it looks like, Prince Cock-Tease Lush-Lips Nail-em!”

Noct jackknifes into sitting up straight, mouth falling open. “That – no way does that even make  _sense._ ”

“Dude,” Prompto cackles. “You do have pretty lush lips, I’m just saying.”

“And how dumb do they think I am,  _it’s not what it looks like_.” Noct shoves at Prompto’s shoulder, like Prompto wrote the script for this thing. The script Prompto is 99% sure does not exist. “What else would I think Gladio's doing? Giving Iggy’s dick CPR?”  

“Oh my god, it’s funny how mad you are,” Prompto says, still laughing. “And I’m legit calling you Prince of Lush Lips  _forever,_ now, dude.”

“If anyone’s cock is getting sucked,” says on-screen porn!Noct, “It’s going to be  _mine_.”

“Real you is better at sharing,” says Prompto, patting Noct on the knee. “And waiting your turn.”

“I’ve never worn a pair of _khaki_ cargo pants in my  _life_ ,” Noct says, glaring heatedly at the laptop screen. “And just whipping my dick out after two seconds, huh? Thought I was Prince Cock-Tease, not Prince Cock-Slut.”

“Aw.” Prompto wipes tears of actual mirth out of his eyes. “You’ll always be both to me, buddy.”

On-screen, porn!Noct is being divested of his pants (“Good,” says Noct) and is now splayed out naked on porn!Ignis’s desk.

Happy-Ho says, “You ready for me to sheathe my broadsword in your tight royal scabbard, Highness?”

“Sheath his broadsword in your tight royal scabbard!” Prompto slams his hand down on the cushion in glee. “Man. Porn Gladio – sorry, Happy-Ho – is my favorite. He gets all the best lines.”

“Service me,” demands Prince Cock-Tease, legs splayed. “Fuck me like the hot prince I am. Show me you deserve to be in my service by wrecking my tight, hot ass.” 

Noct groans. “Astrals, that’s  _awful._ Please tell me I don’t sound like that in bed when I try to talk dirty.”

Porn!Gladio grabs Porn!Noct’s legs and lifts them, thrusting in and out in that effortless way dudes do in porn, where nothing hurts or gets in the way and everything is easy.

Porn!Noct moans, loudly. Prompto puts his hand back on Noct’s cock and gives it a squeeze. “Nah. You do sound like  _that_ , though. When you’re not talking.” He smiles, then leans in and starts nuzzling at Noct’s neck.

On-screen, porn!Noct moans some more, and commands porn!Gladio to  _fuck me harder, that’s it, shove that big cock in deep._

On the couch, the actual Prince of Lucis starts trying to take off Prompto’s pants while he mouths with his  _very_ lush lips at Prompto’s neck.  

“Gasp!” A new voice says, on the video. “What are you guys doing to my best friend the prince?”

“Porn-Pro UrgenttoCum!” the three cry out, in unison.

Noct laughs, tugging lightly at Prompto’s hair. “That’s the most accurate name of them all, eh, Quicksilver?”

“Oh, shut up. And did I just literally  _say_ the word gasp? Who  _does_ that?”

The guy playing Prompto is big, taller and broader than Prompto will ever be in this life or any other. He’s blond, though, and when he strips off his jeans and shirt –

“Gasp! Noct, look! Porn!me is wearing  _chocobo boxer briefs_!” Prompto points excitedly. “I think I have those same ones!” All of a sudden, he frowns as a thought occurs to him. “Wait, who knows I like chocobos?”

“Literally everyone?” Noct says, and okay, fine, fair enough. Prompto has an Instagram account. Chocobos make regular appearances. 

“You don’t think we know who made this video, do you?” Prompto asks, biting on his lower lip. That thought is either disturbing or amazing, or some combination of both, he’s not quite sure.

“My money’s on Nyx,” says Noct, nuzzling at Prompto’s neck, his hand once again resuming its slow and steady stroking of Prompto’s cock.

“Hey, Porn-Pro,” purrs Suck-This, on the video. “Hope you’re ready, ‘cause you’re next in line for the  _bone._ ”

Noctis lifts his head and stares at Prompto. Prompto stares back. “Ignis does love a good pun,” Prompto says, eyes wide. “You don’t think he…?”

“No way. The pleather pants. That bad wig. The  _accent_. Letting Gladio have the best lines. He’d never.” Noct’s mouth curves up. “It's gotta be Nyx. Maybe Crowe.”

“Shh.” Prompto half-pulls Noct into his lap, eyes going heavy-lidded as they tangle together to watch the video and Noct starts stroking his cock with a purpose. “Looks like I’m about to do what no commoner has ever done, and mount the throne of Lucis. Sorry. The throne of Lush-lips.”

“That’s bad and you should feel bad. Besides, you’ve mounted the throne of Lucis – er, whatever – plenty of times. And you can when this video’s over, if you want,” Noct says, against Prompto’s ear. “But if you ever call me Lush Lips again? I’ll have you beheaded.”

Unfortunately, they don’t get to see Prompto’s porn persona fuck the prince – halfway through the threesome scene, the video flickers and fades to black. A red circle with a line appears, along with the words  _this video has been removed by site maintainers due to a complaint regarding its content._

“Aw,” says Prompto, with a sigh. “It was great while it lasted.”

“Luckily for you, you get the real thing,” Noct says, and straddles him. “And, you get to be there when we tell Ignis and Gladio all about their brief careers as porn stars.”

Prompto does spare a moment to wonder what might be waiting under the  _Related Videos_ tab, but that can wait until later.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cor's adventures in takedown notices (the five times remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15967676) by [marmolita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmolita/pseuds/marmolita)




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